Wednesday, April 13, 2005

What Happened to Me?

I squint at the cage I've built for myself in the last 17,520 days. Two kids, a mortgage, credit card bills, a job... shit. I don't feel like dealing with any of it right now. Today's my birthday and I'm 48 years old. Warden, I need to go to sick bay. The doctor's on the phone. She's got the results of the blood work they did the other day. Cholesterol's sitting at 270. LDL's too high, HDL's too low. Liver numbers are elevated. Oh, and I got the high blood... 150 over 110. She's recommending I drop 40 pounds, pronto. Thanks, Doc. Just what I needed to hear. That means exercise. That means layin' off the Cajun chicken at Popeye's. That means goin' into my 49th year with the Devil's lash across my back. I got way more crap than I can handle right now. I'm so busy my head is spinning. Where the heck is my crossword puzzle? And the Jumble. Goddammit, who took the Jumble? They know I like to take it into the can with me, along with the box scores and my racing form. Goddamn liberals are ruining this country. Gives me an acid stomach just to turn on the news any more. Got nearly 20,000 border jumpers sitting inside the 20-mile limit at any given time, but God forbid if some patriotic-minded citizens want to take it upon themselves to help stop it. According to the Democratic way of thinking, I'm a bigot. Christ, I need Alka-Seltzer and Pepto just to get through that tree-hugger Couric's morning spew. What the hell happened to me? I'm a broken hulk of a man. My health is goin' to hell in a handbasket, my kids are goin' to college, and I'm goin' nowhere. The years fly by, but the work week crawls like the 'lasses in January. I'm getting junk mail from cemeteries and my alma mater thinks I'm already deceased. Even the pre-approved credit cards have stopped coming. Dead man walkin' here... Lemme see if I can find a pair of pants that fit. I think the brown ones may have a little extra play in the waistband. Gotta suck in the gullet just a bit so's I can fasten these mothers. Christ, are my shirts shrinking? Hey, those loafers are looking pretty good right now. Beats bending over to tie the Oxfords. Hey, what the heck... it's my birthday today. I'm gonna celebrate tonight. Now, where the hell did I put the Channel Guide...?

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