Monday, November 21, 2005


Hi. Thought I'd take this opportunity to introduce myself. My name is the Privvy Tipper, and until recently, I was in a contra-dance band. OK, that's like square dancing, in case you didn't know. Anyways, the rest of the band threw me out because they said I had an anger management problem. Still at a loss as to what that's all about. I mean, when the mandolin player said it, I guess I did a little Jack Smack on the side of his head with a bottle of Bud, but hey, six months and the scar'll never show. So like I said a minute ago, I'm in this band and then I'm out of the band. Boom. Funny how your life can just turn on a dime, hey? So, I figure I gotta get some means of visible support or I'll have the local lawdogs climbing up the ol' poopschute before I know it. And the mandolin player'd be the one to call 'em on me too, 'cause he thinks I was boofin' his gal. Don't know as he'd be too far off the mark on that one. But, back to the job. Hey, I got bills like everyone else. Cable runs mebbe two bills a month, what with all the after-hours pay-per-view stuff, and then there's usually that much in booze and cigs. That don't even take into account rent, car payment, and whatever I dish out to the escort service. Confucious or somebody once said, "Do what you love, and the money will follow." Now, that's some of the best advice I ever heard. I made a list of the stuff I love. Now, right off the bat, I can tell you I won't get paid for even half of it, so I'm starting to question this fortune cookie bullshit. But then it comes to me. I love choking the crap outta people. Anyone. And the thing is, I'm good at it. So I take out an ad in the paper: "HIGH QUALITY CHOKER, AVAILABLE NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS. Will choke the shit out of anyone, $50 and up. References." Well, right away I get a call from this guy's wife who wants me to choke her husband. Business is getting so good, I may have to put a few guys on.

Photo by Chester Arthur Burnett

By the expression on the boy's face, you don't seem to be getting through to him.

Better use your ice pick next time.
If icepicks were outlawed, only outlaws would have icepicks
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